by Paul Johnson
As you know I have always been partial to our correspondence by mail, however, in an effort to be more current, and at your insistence, I have decided to take some steps. Ten minutes ago a younger version of myself logged into the social network, MindPamphlet, once inside it became apparent that no one could agree on anything and yet everyone was correct. This was truly confusing as it is completely true and clearly impossible all at once.
Lotni Dogmacnus proclaimed boldly her belief that human beings were not mammals at all but rather a distant species of starfish. Turkey McKlurk thinks she’s right, obviously so does Clurky McDurk. Pinky Santiago, tired of their antics, posted a video involving a cat with duct tape on its paws, forty-seven people thought it was cruel while seventy-eight thought it was adorable and adored it thusly. Twenty-six withheld their judgment and referred the matter to a friend instead, perhaps Flurvy McDoober can help Schwaldy Mandrhake figure out how to feel about it. I’ve inspected every last instance and I can almost certainly assure you that every single interaction is undoubtedly without meaning.
Venturing further, something called JiggleEat wanted to inform me of 5 Household Objects You Should Stop Using Immediately, and the People They’ve Killed. This warning would seem to be quite serious and so I will transcribe it for your benefit and the sake of long-term documentation. It read as follows:
5. Your Butter - It is difficult to open a fridge without shuddering slightly out of fright, should you survive the saturated fats it is likely that grease transferred to your fingers could result in a household accident, such was the case for Costica Vulinea of Albia, Iowa who buttered his last piece of dark rye toast on June 15, 1994. The specific angle at which he buttered the cooked bread was such that melting butter ran down the blade toward the handle causing Vulinear to drop the uncommonly pointy butterknife, piercing his foot and leaving him pinned to the floor. Never a man of great constitution, he couldn't bring himself to remove the shiny metal intrusion from his metatarsus.
It was shortly thereafter that his beloved pet, a seven-year-old pygmy marmoset, breached the refrigerator and devoured an entire pound of uncooked ground beef. This event led to a feverish hunger for raw meat that would drive the tiny monkey to convert to carnivorous habits and casually consume Vulinea over the course of the coming days.
4. Your Pillows - In January of 2003, Montrice Petito awoke suddenly when a feather quill from his Luxursnooze 6000 Goose Down Pillow, found its way between his eyelids and punctured his cornea. Suddenly jerked awake and bleeding from his optical orifice he stumbled into the street coming to a rest facedown atop a stray feline and, possibly coerced by the concussion, he rapidly succumbed to slumber. Unfortunately, in a touching sentiment of solidarity, several of the tomcat’s comrades feverishly clawed at the man’s corpse in an effort to free their fatally crushed ally. Habitually a heavy sleeper, Petito remained dormant as the 13 stray cats and Mrs. Daltrey's particularly rowdy siamese, aptly named ‘Turtles’, made a savage mess of Petito’s corpse.
3. Your Blankets - It's not only pillows that are killers lurking silently in your bed; 19-year-old Marabean Villainson died after becoming entangled for many days in her oversized duvet. Being many layers deep in the large covering she was unable to effect a roll and the harder she attempted to shimmy her way out, the deeper she wound up inside the unnecessarily large article of bedding.
Never one to cause a scene she screamed for help only a few times, as it occurred to her that anyone who heard the shouting may be inconvenienced by coming to her aid.
Surprisingly, it is not the first time such an instance has occurred and experts recommend that those who are excessively passive, forgo blankets entirely, and suggest instead utilizing multiple space heaters to bring about a sense of comfort and warmth without the use of unpredictable and dangerous blankets.
2. Your Toaster - Perpetually lonesome Vladaveld O’Morkenstein, after seeing the seductively placed slots on his Sears Roebuck toaster, proceeded to go for a shave and a visit to his personal tailor before returning with plans to court the appealing appliance. Wearing his finest crotchless lederhosen, O’Morkenstein approached it with his corpora cavernosa fully pressurized, all he knew was that a previously unattained level of intimacy beheld him as he continued to disembogue passionately and repeatedly within the spring loaded opening. Occasionally, and with permission, O’Morkenstein would switch to the other reciprocal, but even at that, several months of connecting to the alluring apparatus on a strictly physical level left both parties seeking a bigger thrill. One evening in the throes of great passion, a sweaty and heavily testostronated O’Morkenstein pushed back the spring suppressor on his partner’s side allowing a flood of heat to overtake both of them. The extreme damage to several phallic nerve endings caused the 53-year-old to lose consciousness before he had reached the third indicator shade.
First responders say that he may have lived had the initial shock not caused him to faint. Unfortunately, the continuous scalding proved too much for him and shock overtook him.
His time of death was determined to be 10:43 am on March 3rd, 2006, making it O’Morkenstein's longest lasting relationship by 14 minutes. He is survived by 2 sisters and a labradoodle named Sophie who he frequently called Soph.
And while I was warned that I would be resistant to believe the last entry on their list, I found it to be rather unremarkable. It went as follows.
1. Your Shower - Notoriously forgetful Clancy Ginger was amidst a particularly busy week when he climbed into the shower for a quick rinse, he soon became transfixed by the way in which the water droplets fell upon the sliding glass door. After several moments of watching this, he attempted to continue bathing, but Ginger had forgotten what he was doing and after several more minutes of trying to recall he became deeply lost in the patterns of the water droplets once more, this cycle would continue for several days until at last, it broke. On day 5 the skin cells on his shoulder blades gave way under the saturation and began to unceremoniously wash away until his shoulders were but the bloodied entourage to his throat. Perhaps, had Ginger recalled exactly how long he had been in that particularly cold shower he may have excused himself, however, he did not and conscientiously began washing the large sores that had formed before once more becoming transfixed by the pink tinge of the water droplets. This new cycle would continue a considerable while as well. All in all, it was nearly 14 days before the final pieces of Clancy Ginger remembered to wash down the drain.
Having read the list I just transcribed, I took a moment to consider my toaster before offering it a warm smile, a sign of impending growth in our otherwise waning relationship. If I may say so, we really are not as close as we once were, but of course, I tell you all of this in confidence. Exploring further, something called Uppity boasted the benefits of an amazing new way to energize my afternoon cocktail, something I can make with ingredients I already have on hand. The tantalizing recipe called for the following.
1 tsp Drano
1 full avocado
1 3 oz block of sandalwood
5 over-ripe bananas
You are then called upon to blend these ingredients together and consume it on an empty stomach. I plan to try this treat tomorrow afternoon, as it is late, and I would hate for it to keep me awake.
As I continued to peruse further, a gentleman named Flailing Wung posted a picture of himself with the Loch Ness monster. 7 people confirmed that the picture was a hoax, 3 contacted the proper authorities because their children had been frightened. Two alarmingly eloquent people professed a belief that the Loch Ness monster never existed in fiction or reality and was, in fact, a complex case of widespread folie-a-million.
...I continue… People complaining endlessly about people complaining endlessly - endlessly.
My time on MindPamphlet was a truly confounding and slightly terrifying experience, everywhere I turned ‘coulds’ were replaced by ‘wills’, and everything I enjoyed about my fellow man seemed to have been systematically removed.
My dearest Falanadry, I urge you to avoid this “place” in the future. I can hardly imagine the damage it has done to your psyche thus far. Heed my warning, as someone who has seen it from a neophyte’s perspective, no good can come to you from this place.
Alas, it is time for me to raise the blue Peter and head for the marketplace. There are ackees in season and it is not an affair that I intend on missing.